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choose_chose_CHOSEN
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Name: chosen
Birthday: 12/23/1986
Gender: Male
Interests: short-term missions, reading, eating, personal history, crossroads, and meaningful conversations with friends.
Occupation: Student
Message: message me
Member Since:
5/22/2003
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| In a blink of an eye, it's almost the end of my college days. I am gonna miss these days.
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| There is true freedom and victory when abiding in the Spirit.
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| Mark 10:17-23
As Jesus started on his
way, a man ran up to him and fell on his knees before him. "Good
teacher," he asked, "what must I do to inherit eternal life?"
"Why do you call me good?" Jesus answered. "No one is good—except God alone.You
know the commandments: 'Do not murder, do not commit adultery, do not
steal, do not give false testimony, do not defraud, honor your father
and mother." "Teacher," he declared, "all these I have kept since I was a boy." Jesus
looked at him and loved him. "One thing you lack," he said. "Go, sell
everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in
heaven. Then come, follow me." At this the man's face fell. He went away sad, because he had great wealth. Jesus looked around and said to his disciples, "How hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom of God!"
--- One of the brothers brought up this story during his sharing in small group and shared some of his thoughts on recent devotions. He asked himself, "If Jesus came to me today and ask me to drop everything and follow him, could I do it? When I was young and didn't know anything, it's so easy for me to just say yes, but as I grow older, the more I hold onto more things that are becoming more important...and as of now, I would say no to Jesus." His sharing striked me hard. During the subsequent prayer time, the question echoed through my mind. It's really a quesion that evaluates your whole life...not just one part, but everything. Ask yourself right now: if Jesus came to you right and asks you to leave everything and follow him, would you be able to do it? I agree with him - when I was young and protected from more complex things in life, it's easy for me to say, "Yes! I would definitely follow you, Jesus!" That mentality definitely extended all the way until end of high school, but having spent the past four years learning, growing, and undergoing painful pruning process, I've came out with more wisdom, responsibility, but still incomplete. Spiritual growth? Yes. Relationships with others? Blemishes here and there. I thought about why his sharing threw me into deep thoughts, and for a moment, I don't really know why - I couldn't figure it out. It just struck me hard - and I believe it struck a lot of people, too. How long have I been a Christian? Over seven years since baptism? At this point am I able to truly face Jesus and shed everything and follow him? What are the things that I needed to shed? Family? Financial security? Now to think about it, I really identify with the young rich man. I might not have the financial riches in his life, but I have a set of conceptual riches in my life: the concept of finding a good job, the concept of maintaining healthy relationships, the concept of honoring my parents' work for me. Maybe I am not able to give those up. I've heard many times from others that I have the gift and personality to be a pastor, but I often shrink back from those comments because I don't want to be pastor. Having seen what my father has gone through, I believe serving while working is the optimal way to contribute to His kingdom...but it's one of those things, where my gut tells me the more I deny it, the more it's gonna get me. It's like God telling me...Chosen, I am gonna get you one day! I also have to be careful, that if I do pursue something down the line of full-time, it is not to shrink away from responsibility, but rather, to embrace a different set of responsibilities. One of the small group guys asked me, why do I make full-time sound...bad? My response is that I've seen aspiring missionaries or ministers falter and fail, not because they wanted to, but rather, their aspirations to be missionaries or ministers should have been convictions. But the encouraging thing is...during that prayer time, God instilled in me a peace of my mind...just...peaceful. serene. Do what you can do to further my kingdom...and I will certainly be sovereign over your life. Then that question which weighed heavily against the rich young man became a warm invitation from God to carry this rich young man's burden.
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| let's get that project going.
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| i was conversing with eric, pam, faith, and stephen (alum) on a friday night after the fellowship when stephen observed eric has gotten louder and i had gotten quieter over the time that he was away from Crossroads (when was eric ever quiet?). faith and pam immediately echoed stephen's sentiment, drawing comparisons from my freshmen year till this year. i wasn't surprised that faith echoed stephen's observation because she has mentioned that to me before, but i was surprised to see stephen making the observation because having been away from Crossroads, he can distinctly tell the difference as suppose to someone i see every week (however, faith, your comments are really indicative - it carries weight). there is a saying chinese that goes 旁觀者清, which means the observers are the most objective. but have i been getting quieter? if so, why and how have i been getting "quieter"?
initially, i would object, given that certain topics are fit for certain friends, i would further argue that i would only share about topics close to my heart to those whom i feel i can be close with. certainly, for those those of you reading this, there is no way you would disagree with me on that. however, upon second thoughts, i think in many ways i have gotten quieter. many have observed i would just stare blankly into space during meetings, not as open as i were (generally speaking), and "hard to read". all the above are true to varying degrees.
I can only speculate three reasons for this phenomenom. First, it's a part of maturing and growing up. as hard as it is for me to confess, my dad was right when he said i didn't know how to protect my feelings. he used to say that between sam and me, i am the person who is more 感情豐富, more compassionate, and more sensitive. and boy did i learn the hard lessons of not protecting myself and valuing others (too much) before myself. Now I am more careful, cautious about myself. Second, I am just "not happy" in general - but i don't think that's the case. happy is such an up and down concept that is inconsistent in our lives, even an individual who is close with God can be "unhappy". If it's not happiness, then it must be about joy. Chosen, you don't have joy in your life. Wait. Who gets to judge whether i am leading a joyful life or not? Why is being "quieter" an outwardly manifestation of having no joy? i don' that's the case either. Third, I believe the most applicable one, is that the act of open sharing means that i am giving a part of myself away to another - and on some level, i expect the same from others. Furthermore, I would open up is because i believe you would understand where i am coming from, and empathize, celebrate, or share a moment of understadinding rather than giving out advices (unless i am looking for one). Thus, over the past years, I've been more selective as to who i want to share with rather than open up mercilessly with whoever i come across.
I have to take a pause here and say that the last reason seems to be very contradictory to Biblical teachings (correct me if my following analysis is wrong) that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we are called to carry each other's burden and put others before ourselves - and i completely agree, but do you see yourself share personal burden and joy to every brother or sister in Christ? I don't think that's the case. This discussion also goes into the seriousness of the burden/joy and the spiritual maturity of each individual, but i won't get into that discussion right now. Perhaps, we should work on improving that aspect of fellowship.
So at the end of this discussion, I think what people are getting at is more than i am getting quieter, but also i am not as open as i used to be. in reponse to that, i've already explained myself.
(Footnote kinda thing: when i took the personality test at the council retreat, my stats came out to be ESFJ - but only 1% extroveted. I took the test again a couple of weeks back - I've turned ISFJ.)
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